I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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