I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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