I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
