I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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