You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
