I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
