If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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