she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
