he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity