Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.