my vag is so smooth its legendary
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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