i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.