Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He passed out mid-signature
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
