I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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