two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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