Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
