I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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