News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
