3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
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My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I currently don't understand fingers.
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