Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
