Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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