don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
