I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
