after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
