Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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