Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You can't special order awesome
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
