I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My ass is underappreciated
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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