So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
