Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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