How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She said her name was "party"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
