i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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