my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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