Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
