I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
