Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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