i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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