I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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