when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Someone came in the potted fern
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
