he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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