Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
