Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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