of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
