Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
