someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
