Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
What a dumb baby whore.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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