who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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