some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
