Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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