maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
