Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
