just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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