There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
