i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
