he was CRYING into my vagina
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
