There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
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at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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