Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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