he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
