dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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