Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
